…In the END nothing really matters…

These days I catch myself saying “That’s LIFE” or I’d say “ … *sigh*…. Life”. I notice myself becoming VERY melancholic. Looking at life. Looking back into these journal entries and thinking wow. You dont know the HALF OF IT. If only you were me. Seen what I seen, Lived my life. You’d get it. But isnt that always how it is with everyone. Isnt it supposed to be like that.

I have come to many realizations. That looking back I never even knew it. But I have been SURVIVING my whole life. Sounds weird because everyday that we live we survive. But when you hear/see those who live by this or say this… theres something different in their eyes. They havnt been living.

I notice the days like groundhog day. Day after day it feels the same. Feels so weird to live this Pandemic life… but lets be serious this “Pandemic life of mine” hasnt been like this the whole time…. its actually been way longer. I never realized it. I had freedom. But I really didn’t.

I was born into a dysfunctional family. Experiencing Domestic violence since the age of 5. I ran away from home at 15 only to be dragged back to that hell hole. Neglectful mother…. but there was food on the table daily… provided by ourselves. or at midnight every night. Maybe thats an overstatement. It was either late or we cooked ourselves with my sinlge mother partying and drinking by herself. Neglectful I’d say when we had school the next day. I could continue on about her for ages and ages. I could write essay after essay maybe even a book about the struggles of growing up awakened in a dysfunctional family. Sounds weird. I wish I didnt live this life. I have tried to end it many times. No one notices but thats ok. I dont need them to. I know that I’m strong and me ending my life would be quitting and giving up. WE THRIVE after we have SURVIVED for so long…. Am I thriving yet? Not really. But I live very differently then those I used to associate with. Then those I grew up with. Am I really living differently or am I just SAFE in my own ZONE. Mostly I like to think I live differently. But I know we all just want to feel safe, loved and secure. But I look back and have felt that safety in DISTANCE from others. Its actually really sad. But there really isnt anything I can do about it but learn to trust others again.

That is my hardest task. My biggest challenge. Giving your all to people who drain you, Take advantage of you, Use & Abuse you is the worst thing I have experienced. No One in my family understands the abuse I have gone through.

Being the SCAPEGOAT for everything is the most draining thing ever. I’m OVER IT. I’m DONE with it. I’m a freaking adult and I MAKE ME HAPPY.

Im not willing to drag people to their happiness, I’m not willing to mother people, I’m Not willing because they arnt. I’m Taking Care of ME.

I have given enough to those around me. I’m done with being taken advantage of and Done with people TRYING TO TRAP ME!

I will always win!

Love, Ash